Recapper here, after far too long of an absence. Hiatus makes the heart grow fonder. It’s the school play — The Age of Innocence complete with awesome costumes. Gossip Girl helpfully draws the parallels between Edith Warton and Cecily Von Ziegesae. Serena is playing May. Blair is the Countess. Serena has a crush on the director, Julian. Vanessa is making a documentary about the play. Serena, Julian, Blair and Nate have lunch. Julian, being the rare non pervy adult on the show, has no interest in Serena. Undaunted she gets Vanessa to feed her info about classic films Cyrano style to impress him, managing to hide a Bluetooth in her big blonde hair. Nate hears Vanessa’s end of the conversation and jumps to the predicatable wrong conclusion.
Nelly gets accepted to Yale. Blair concludes that this means she's out. Don't make me rant about this bogus portrayal of college admissions, show. Blair is right and Nellie took her spot. An anonymous caller told Yale that Blair hazed a faculty member. Nellie denies doing it. Gossip Girl publishes a post about Blair and the Lord Marcus. Blair's suspicions turn to Vanessa. She also denies it. Next the anonymous gossip outs Serena for being accepted to Yale for publicity reasons. Serena accuses Blair of being the culprit, saying Dan's the only other one who knows. So Blair thinks it's him. My money's on Rachel.
Dan asks Jenny, who is designing the costumes for the play, to deliver a note to Rachel. Rachel writes back, asking him to meet at her apartment. Rufus finds the note when he drops by rehearsal. He shows up instead of Dan. Rufus tells Dan his affair is over. Dan snots that he's 18 and can do what he wants. I hope Rufus tells him since hs's an adult he can start paying rent. In the play's wardrobe room, Dan tells Rachel he can't stay away from her, mimicking the famous hand kissing scene in Age of Innocence. Because it's the 21st century, they have sex instead of having smoldering repressed sexual tension.
At the performance, Julian announcees that the New York Times theater critic Charles Isherwood (a real critic) is in the audience. Julian calls Nate's performance empty. That was meta. Blair, in character, is a massive bitch to Dan. She ends up accusing him under her breath then doing a bizarre fake kissing scene. Nate goes up on his lines, then breaks character and calls Julian a pretentious ass. Everyone follows suit with Blair and Serena arguing, Nellie complaining about wearing a fat suit and general pandemonium. The curtain goes down. Charles Isherwood praises Julian's radical take on the play. Ha!
Serena tells Julian she doesn't know why she had a crush on him. He doesn't either. He's gay. Vanessa tells Nate what really happened with Julian. He still thinks they have nothing in common. They semi break up then get back together. Yawn. Dan calls Rachel out for sending everything he told her to Gossip Girl. He asks her to apologize. She refuses. Dan's innocence shattered, he tells all to Blair. Blair tells Rachel she plans make her life as bleak as hers. Rachel says she doesn't know how she got to that point. Blair tells Rachel that her punishment is she has to live with what she's done. Serena apologizes to Blair for not believing her. Blair says that everyone thinks the worst of her because she deserves it. Getting rejected from Yale is karma. Rachel sends Dan a note saying she's returning to Iowa. On the one hand, I'm glad the character is gone. On the other hand, lame!
Chuck is relegated to a lame subplot for much of the episode. He visits his father's friend Mr. Campbell and runs into Carter from season one. Elle is with him, but claiming her name is Hayley. Elle asks Chuck for help fleeing the country. The new suddenly stupid Chuck will make it happen. He proposes they go to Brazil with Carter's help. As they step into a limo, Carter flashes the sign of the Eyes Wide Shut Conspiracy. Chuck gets a text with a hotel and a time. There, Elle tells him Carter gave her money. That was all she wanted. She was never into Chuck.
Now that the show has dispatched some lame story arcs, Chuck goes to Blair's apartment, vowing to wait for her to return. Hell, yeah! Unfortunately, Carter runs into Blair at a bar. Uh-oh.
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